Source: Grand Slam: 13 Great Short Stories about Bridge by E R Cole
It wasn’t a really bad dinner. True, the pot roast was scorched and the potatoes were a little bard, but that was all, so there was no actual proof that my wife, Jackie was not in the best of humours. There was only that aura of suppressed : expectancy to go by; any husband past the freshman year; would have known she was waiting; just waiting, for, me to complain. So of course I munched with gusto and kept quiet.
” Everything all right?, ; she cooed with the merest glance towards the pot roast.
“Fine, really fine,” . I said, chewing manfully ” Why?
” Nothing! ” She drew a long, long breath, then placed her knife and fork in meticulous position on her plate. ” Why,” she hissed from between gritted teeth, wasn’t I asked to play on the Cavendish team against the Regency Club? ”
” Oh,” I said. ” So that’s it”. ” That’s what?” Here eyes dared me to answer. ” I sensed that you were; er, upset,” I said carefully, keeping my eyes away from the so-called food.
She h’mphed. ” I have never been so insulted! Do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to resign!”
“From what?” I asked innocently.
“From the Cavendish Club, of course!”
I was quite equable about it. All I said was: ” Now, how can you do that, darling? You’re not a member.”
“That’s ridiculous. I’m your wife, aren’t I?” ” You are, definitely.” ” And you’re a member, aren’t you?”
I admitted it.
” Well?” she demanded.
It was not so much this time-honoured feminine summation, that always unanswerable ” Well?” that engaged my mind —no, I was fascinated by the delicate problem suggested, and I resolved to ask Lee Hazen, the eminent barrister, for an opinion on this point. Could a wife, not herself a member of a club, resign the membership conferred on her by marriage? My thoughts leaped ahead—to Jackie presenting her resignation to the Board of Governors. ” You can’t resign,” says the Board. ” You’re not a member.” ” Oh,” Jackie says, ” so you refuse to accept my resignation.” ” No, we don’t refuse,” says the Board: ” Then you do accept it?” Jackie pursues relentlessly. “No, we don’t accept it,” says the Board, a great stickler for parliamentary regularity.
I was getting myself dizzy. “I should think,” said Jackie, ” that you would protect me from such insults.” Reflecting that no great sacrifice would be involved, I laid down my own knife and fork. “Now really. I wasn’t on the selection committee, you know. And though I’d fight lions and tigers for you— ”
” You could have insisted on having me as your partner.”
” Honestly, I couldn’t. Why you know I like to play with you, and— ”
“Okay-this-weekend-at-the-Atlantic-City-tournament.” The words came out in exactly 3,2 seconds. As we settled into the North-South seats at our first table in the mixed pairs, Jackie said “casually, ” Let’s play sort of Roth-Stonish. Weak jump responses, weak overcalls, weak openings in third and fourth position— ” ”
Baby,” I said, ” the picture is clear. Everything we do will be weak.”
” Weak two-bids, weak minor-suit bids, weak— ”
“That does it,” I told her. “Now, as of this moment, I haven’t the strength to hold thirteen cards.”
” Well, just remember, that’s all. There must be some reason for all this talk about the Roth-Stone.”
“My dear,” I said, ” I realise that Harper’s Bazaar has better fashions, but if you could spare the time to read The Bridge World you would find many different reasons put out for—”
” Toby Stone told me privately that if I played the system I’d be a Life Master in no time.”
“Well, some people, not me, of course, consider Stoney a shade biased, but…
“The arrival of our first opponents put an end to this dialogue, and we all reached for our hands.
South Dealer Both Sides vulnerable
 K Q J 10 8 7 5  9 2 A 9 8 5 |
||
| 6 3 2 J 10 9 5 Q 10 8 7 6 4 |
A 9 4 Q 8 6 K J K Q J 10 7 |
|
| A K 7 4 3 2 A 6 5 4 3 3 2 |
I started off, innocent as a babe, with One Heart on the South cards, and the auction rolled swiftly along:
| West | North | East | South |
| 1 |
|||
| Pass | 2 |
3 |
Pass |
| Pass | DBL | All Pass |
I opened the K, got the 9 from Jackie, and continued with the A and 7. Jackie ruffed and led the K. I exterminated East’s Ace—trying to ignore my RHO’S withering glare —and shifted to the A and another diamond. My killer-wife ruffed, cashed the Q and J, and later produced the Ace of trumps to make the penalty a good round 1,400 points.
Two unrelated things then occurred simultaneously: the very blonde lady who sat East reached over and studied our score-card which purported to announce our system; and Jackie asked anxiously,
“We couldn’t have made a slam, could we? ”
I murmured, ” I don’t think so, dear, though I always hesitate to say what you might do at any contract,” just as East completed her survey and fixed a glittering eye on Jackie.
That is, I was under the distinct impression that one glittering eye was fixed on Jackie and one on me.
“May I ask,” she said, spacing her words metronomically, “what this notation on your score-card means? ‘ Modified Roth-Stone, it says, and I seem to read, among other things, weak jump responses.” (The italics were hers.)
” I wouldn’t call the North hand exactly weak! ”
“Oh, you wouldn’t,” said Jackie. “Well, I would”.
A bad misfit with my partner’s hand—with both of his suits—only one Ace, and no solid suit of my own. If you call that strong”
“A misfit, no solid suit of her own, and only one ace.! ” moaned the gentleman in the West seat. ” Oh brother!” “Director!” shrieked the blonde lady.
The director came on the gallop, and thirty-four players looked our way from tables near and far.
“Mr. Director,” rasped the lady, ” you will kindly look at our opponents’ announcement of system, and then inspect the North hand.”
The director complied. “Well?”
“He”— pointing straight at me—” opened with One Heart, and she responded with Two Spades!”
“And why not, I’d like to know!” put in Jackie.
The erstwhile declarer kept her cerise face toward the director.
“Naturally I bid Three Clubs over Two Spades. Who wouldn’t? If it was a weak bid, I’d be safe, but if I’d known North had a powerhouse I certainly would have kept quiet. Now what, may I ask, are you going to do about this? ”
“I have a very fair suggestion,” said Jackie virtuously.
“We’ll pretend that I just bid One Spade and we’ll let you bid Two Clubs. That way, we only collect an eleven-hundred penalty.” A choking sound came from the lady, bringing her partner to the rescue. He said mildly,
“I don’t think I like that suggestion. If my partner had been able to bid Two Clubs over One Spade, he “everyone was always pointing at me—” he would have bid Two Diamonds and got us off the hook.”
“That’s silly,” Jackie said. She looked at me. ” You wouldn’t have made such a stupid bid, would you ? ”
“And now I was under the Klieg lights of four pairs of eyes.
” Darling,” I said miserably, ” with two infant clubs, six-five in the red suits, and no burning desire to hear a spade rebid from you—I might have bid two diamonds. It’s just barely possible.
“While I burned under the hot contempt in my wife’s eyes, the blonde lady smiled at the director. He cleared his throat.
“Hmmm. Harumph, yes. I’m afraid that this is a sound protest.
“He gave me a commiserating look. “I’m afraid I’ll have, to award an adjusted score to East-West.”
“Adjusted—how?” demanded Jackie. ” This is an outrage! In case you don’t know it, I happen to be a very old friend of M Sobel’s, and Alvin Landy’s and …
“Darling” I said, “cease and desist. We’ll take the adjust score and like it”.
” Wait! ” hissed Jackie. ” Just you wait! ”
Bowing to right and left, clicking a figurative pair of heels, I said, ” Shall we play the other board? ”
The director faded away and silence reigned as we brought out the cards. West opened with One Heart—and Jackie passed. Now, I am not going to claim clairvoyance for my wife. As a matter of sober fact Jackie is not by nature a trapper; she is far toot fond of bidding to go in for this technique. The truth, beyond question or doubt, is that she was simply sulking. But the result—well, to borrow a phrase from West, oh brother!
West Dealer East-West vulnerable
| A K Q J 7 A 3 2 K J 9 5 4 |
||
| 6 3 K Q 8 7 4 A Q 10 8 A 8 |
10 9 8 5 4 2 6 3 Q 6 4 3 2 |
|
| J 10 9 5 7 6 2 K J 10 9 7 5 |
The. auction unfolded:
| West | North | East | South |
| 1 |
Pass | 1 |
Pass |
| 2 |
Dbl | 2 |
Pass |
| Pass | Dbl | 3 |
Dbl |
| All Pass |
When I reflected, late that night, that I had toyed with the thought of bidding Three Clubs over East’s Two Spades—after Jackie put in her first double—the sweat sprang cold from my pores. To what rhetorical height (I wondered) would Jackie have soared if I had thus pulled the blonde lady off the hook!
As it was, the carnage was appalling. I opened the club King, and by the time declarer had gasped her way through the mire—quite understandably chucking a trick in her travail—she was down 1,400. Again.
” This is getting to be a habit,” West murmured to nobody in particular.
The blonde lady placed both palms firmly on the table and for a moment I thought she was going to do push-ups. But she managed to stand just as the director called ” All change.” She was still standing there, collecting her muscles, as Jackie leaned across the table and said sweetly but loudly,
” We couldn’t have made a slam, could we?