Extracted from the book: THE BRIDGE PLAYER’S BEDSIDE BOOK by Tony Forrester
A Roman Catholic Church, in the confessional box.
Palooka: Father, I have sinned.
Priest: What was your hand my son?
Palooka: First in hand. As West, I held:
A Q J 7 6 4 
A J 7 5 4 2 
K 
Priest: You must have lived a good life.
Palooka: I was tempted, Father. Tempted to open two clubs. Then I started thinking (one of the many basic failings of my game) would it help? Would I be able to convey the shape and texture of my hand? Would I get specific information required? Eventually I decided on a more subtle approach. I opened an Acol two spades.
Priest: Go on, my son.
Palooka: With the speed of light the bidding proceeded. No bid. No bid. No bid.
Priest: You were shaken, my son.
Palooka: I was mortified, Father. What a tragedy that this game is only played with four people. A fifth inhand might well have re-opened.
Priest: I appreciate the pain, my son but please continue.
Palooka: I received a club lead, and the dummy went down.
| A Q J 7 6 4 A J 7 5 4 2 K |
10 8 K 9 3 Q 8 6 4 A 9 7 3 |
|
Palooka: I discarded the king of diamonds on the ace of clubs. I ran the ten of spades, picking up king to three on my right. The queen of hearts was singleton.
Priest: Making seven.
Palooka: Making seven.
Priest: Perhaps you would have done better to have sent your partner to me.
Palooka: I have omitted one minor detail. Father – hardly worth mentioning but it is only fair that you have the full story.
Priest: What is that, my son?
Palooka:: We were playing Benjaminized Acol, Father.
Priest: Benjaminized Acol?
Palooka: A system devised by Albert Benjamin in Scotland, Father, to sow seeds of dissent amongst the English. It is an integral part of their campaign for self-government: two spades is a weak bid.
Priest: You have sinned, my son.
Palooka: Mortally.
Priest: Will you accept my judgement, my son? Or would you rather appeal to a higher authority?
Palooka: I will accept judgement from you, Father. Bob Hamman may be busy.
Priest: Very well, my son. Your penance – and I apologise for its severity – is to play the Flannery two diamond convention for the next twelve months.
Palooka: Aaaaaaahhhhhh !
DENNIS SPOONER