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Neanderthal, Cro-Magnon, Homo Sapiens and the Stone Bowl
by Bernard Marcoux, Montréal
Man from Neanderthal, it seems, played bridge («and what about
the Woman from Neanderthal?», will ask the feminists; in fact,
and very seriously, we cannot say for sure women existed at that
time because science books only mention Man from Neanderthal).
Stone tablets have been found lately, from year minus 32 000, on
which one could read:
NHL
CN
50 200
500 300
100
500
==================
60 120
__________________
100
___________________
?????
An archaeologist, himself a bridge player, suggested that the
numbers, and their disposition, looked like bridge. It was
easy, after that, to decipher the abbreviations. A funny chap
said that the game had probably been played between the National
Hockey League (NHL) and the Canadian National (Railroad company,
owned by the Canadian Government), hockey players' behaviour
seeming to come out directly from the middle Palaeolithic, and
CN's old equipment probably dating from the same era.
After protestations from NHL and CN representatives, the experts
concluded that NHL meant Neanderthal and CN, Cro-Magnon. Then
again, we don't know if women existed because experts talk
solely of Man from Neanderthal (from year - 150 000 to year - 35
000) and Man from Cro-Magnon (year - 30 000).
Further research established that Neanderthal opened 1NT with
16-18 points and Cro-Magnon, with 12-14. Why this difference?
was the big question. Well, it seems that Cro-Magnon was a bit
snob. Being the first representative of Homo Sapiens, he had
invented 1NT 12-14 to really distinguish himself from
Neanderthal.
The numbers show that the score was game all, 1220 to 710 for
Cro-Magnon. We don't know what happened during the third game.
One theory is probably that the mockery of the Men of Cro-Magnon
finally used up all the patience of the Men from Neanderthal who
simply killed their opponents.
Experts also found out there was a bridge match, later, between
Man from Cro-Magnon and Homo Sapiens. In fact, they have only
discovered a newspaper article in the England Daily Stone from
the year - 25 000. Here is that article, in its entirety,
written by a Homo Sapiens, called Standard American, freelance
at the England Daily Stone. Notice the tone full of mockery of
the article, that would nowadays be totally out of line and
severely condemned by every organism for the protection of
visible minorities and endangered species.
The Stone Bowl : Homo Sapiens proves his superiority over
Cro-Magnon
by Standard American, freelance journalist
England Daily Stone
Cro-Magnon, in first position, opens 1NT, 12-14 points, and you,
Homo Sapiens, have:
 10xx
 KJx
 AQxx
 AQx
Do you double for penalty? You have 16 points and Cro-Magnon,
only 12-14; the question to ask is not: «Do you double?» but «Do
you have a good lead?», and the answer is no. Therefore, you
must pass, in tempo.
A good tempo is very important because primitive people, I
should say especially primitive people, have very good
instincts.
If you hesitate, Cro-Magnon will feel something and
be on his guard. In addition, before opening 1NT, Cro-Magnon
very shrewdly puts his index in his mouth and then points it
towards the sky to register any variation in the air. If he
feels a vibration from you, he will know.
But you have
discovered his trick a long time ago (you are not Homo Sapiens
for nothing) and you always sit downwind when you play against
him. Cro-Magnon can only feel hesitations from your Woman
Sapiens, who cannot hesitate because she is sitting in the 4th
seat.
Cro-Magnon suspects that his trick is not working, but
his limited intelligence cannot yet find the reason.
Cro's partner passes and your partner also. You lead a small
spade and you see :
Dummy
KQxx
109x
Kx
J10xx
You
10xx
KJx
AQxx
AQx
Cro-Magnon grumbles something and, when his partner says «You're
welcome», you understand that he said thank you. Cro-Magnon
cashes three spade tricks (on the 3rd spade trick, your partner
pitches the diamond Jack, promising the Ten) and you comment :
- They missed their 4-4 spade fit.
Cro-Magnon groans again and his partner translates :
- 1NT making 2 is better than 2 spades making 2 !
Cro-Magnon then runs the heart 10 to your Jack. You shift to a
small diamond, under AQxx. Dummy's king wins. Cro-Magnon now
plays the 9 of heart from dummy, small by partner, small by
Cro-Magnon and you DUCK also (you have seen Gabriel Chagas do
those things before)!!!
A broad smile forms on Cro's short face
: 8 tricks are there, +120, to beat all those Homo Sapiens with
+110. Under his bushy eyebrows, you can see his little eyes
full of joy.
He snorts a long triumphant grunt and you
understand that he is looking for words that will avenge all
past humiliations, all failures, all defeats to the hands of
Homo Sapiens and their superior bidding system.
Cro-Magnon plays a 3rd heart from dummy, partner plays small
and, with a splash of confidence and scorn, Cro thumps the Queen
. . . that you win with your bare King. Cro-Magnon roars with
anger. One moment, it seems that Cro-Magnon will take his axe
and split your head, but his partner intervenes :
- Down, Cro, down . . .
Cro-Magnon huddles up and soon, you see only his creased
forehead above the table. It is clear that he is wondering how
the King of hearts, which was on his right for the second
finesse, suddenly appeared on his left after the third finesse.
His partner, reading his mind (!), says :
- Relax, I will explain later.
You play a small diamond under AQ, your partner wins with the 10
and switches to a club. You cash AQ of clubs and AQ of diamond:
1NT down 1, + 50 for Homo Sapiens, instead of 2 spades making 2
for Cro-Magnon.
If you had doubled 1NT, Cro-Magnon would have played 2 spades.
His partner has taught him Rescue Bids, which are really Homo
Sapiens' bids designed to pull Cro-Magnon out of his misery.
If you had doubled 1NT, you would also have doubled 2 spades.
Logical, isn't it? Cro's logic, but logic (even Homo Sapiens
still has certain macho traits of Cro-Magnon).
And Cro-Magnon would have made 2 spades doubled.
Do you really want to face Cro's elephantine irony when he will
score + 670? Not me.
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