Bridge & Humor: The Hideous Hog


Victor Mollo (1909 – September, 1987) was a British contract bridge player, journalist and author. He is most famous for his «Menagerie» series of bridge books, depicting vivid characters of players with animal names and mannerisms through a series of exciting and entertaining deals—bridge fables of a sort. One of his characters was the:

Hideous Hog (HH), by far the club’s best player, but also an insufferable shark who seeks to humiliate opponents for their mistakes…

Hideous Hog: Probability, playing rules, conventions and systems take the place of thinking. That is why they are so popular.

Hideous Hog: (He) is so bad that he admits to mistakes before he makes them
Hideous Hog: If you award Masterpoints for very good results then, logically, you should deduct them for very bad results.
Hideous Hog: Nature is so unfair that I have to be the dummy over ten percent of the time. What a waste of my talent.
Hideous Hog: You made your Ace of trumps. What else can you possibly want?
Hideous Hog: I am so good I only need a partner who can tell one suit from another.
Hideous Hog: Your bidding and card play are not on the same high level as the rest of your game.
Hideous Hog: I know no one whom I would rather see in charge of the dummy.
Hideous Hog:  I will bid natural and you bid “Big Minor”. When you have a NT opening, you call 1C and I will bid your NT. If you have a major, bid 1D and I will bid your major. This way you will not get the stress of being declarer.
Hideous Hog: My partner plus 12 sure tricks equals 11.
Hideous Hog: I am such a fine player, no one can deny my right to be rude.
Hideous Hog: It is blatant insubordination. How dare you bid NT and becomes declarer.
Hideous Hog: I do not doubt your luck and I know no one who needs it more than you.
Hideous Hog: Of course I always hold much better cards than you do. Being declarer is part of my system.
Hideous Hog: My point count system? Extra for long suit, extra for short suit and 3 points for my superb play.
Hideous Hog: The opening lead should always run up to the stronger player.