A bumbling bridge player explained to his friend how he planned to improve his game. «Every night when I go to bed I will think about the mistakes I made that day at the bridge table.» «Gee,» his friend said, «how will you get any sleep?»
A male bridge player has been stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day he notices a speck on the horizon, and he watches in-tently as it draws near. «It can’t be a boat,» he thinks, «It can’t be a fish.» Suddenly a beautiful woman emerges from the sea wearing scuba gear and a wet suit. «Hi there!» she says. The man is amazed, «But…but…how did you get here?» «Never mind,» says the woman as she unzips the left pocket of her wet suit and hands the man a cigarette. «Wow, this is terrific! I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years,» «Enjoy!» says the woman as she unzips the right pocket of her wet suit and gives the man a flask of whisky. «I can’t believe it! This tastes so good!» Next the woman starts to unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. «Now I’ve got something you really want.» What!» He says, «Don’t tell me you’ve got a deck of cards in there too.»
A bridge duffer was polishing a lamp and…poof! Out popped a genie who said, «I will grant you one wish.» The duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, «Let all of these countries live in peace and har-mony.» «You have got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.» The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, «OK, then make me a win-ning bridge player.» «Hmm…» the genie pondered, «Let me see that map again.»
Married couple not speaking to each other after a horrible bridge game are driving home from a distant bridge tournament. They pass by a field where there are many donkeys. The husband breaks the silence by asking the wife: «Relations of yours?» «Yes» she says, «In-laws.»
Dummy apologizing for getting the partnership too high says: «I was hoping you had a second suit.» Declarer says: «I didn’t even have a first.»
Guy has been going out with this girl for some time and they play bridge regularly, but not much is happening romantically. Finally, she puts him in a God-awful slam and says: «If you make this contract, I’ll sleep with you.» He tries his hardest, but trumps don’t break and a couple of finesses don’t work and he winds up going down three! She says: «That’s close enough.» Student in class had xxx facing AQJ in dummy. She leads low and puts on the jack which holds. She plays the ace next. Teacher asks why she didn’t take the finesse again. She says: «You told us that only one of two finesses work.»