Victor Mollo (1909 – September, 1987) was a British contract bridge player, journalist and author. He is most famous for his “Menagerie” series of bridge books, depicting vivid characters of players with animal names and mannerisms through a series of exciting and entertaining deals—bridge fables of a sort. Some of his characters are:
Hideous Hog: Probability, playing rules, conventions and systems take the place of thinking. That is why they are so popular.
Hideous Hog: (He) is so bad that he admits mistakes before he makes them
Hideous Hog: If you award Masterpoints for very good results then, logically, you should deduct them for every bad results.
Papa: I don’t understand why you couldn’t see my signal, partner. Everyone knows that a singleton is the top of nothing.
Papa: I am so good I can false card with a singleton.
Rueful Rabbit: Do you want to play Lavinthal or Odd-Even or natural discards?
T Toucan: Let’s play them all.
Papa: People shouldn’t be allowed to use conventions they don’t understand. It’s not fair to the opponents.
T Toucan: I know we agreed to lead A from AK. Sorry my fault. I promise to have the King next time.
Rueful Rabbit: At Grandslam, it was a little difficult to rectify the count.
Charlie Chimp: I can concentrate at will on all the hands except the one I am currently playing.
Rueful Rabbit: Some declarers have difficulty counting the opponent’s distribution. I have the same problem with Dummy’s distribution.
T Toucan: If I work very hard at it, I may be able to achieve mediocrity.
Karapet: Did I tell you about ….
Karapet: I expect the worst in bridge and am rarely disappointed.
Karapet: I am so unlucky that in all my life, no one has ever revoked against me.
Karapet: Through constant practice, I have become an expert loser.
Hideous Hog: Nature is so unfair that I have to be the dummy over ten percent of the time. What a waste of my talent.
Hideous Hog: You made your Ace of trumps. What else can you possibly want?
Papa: Only at Duplicate you get a bottom for using safety plays.
O Owl: Better to play very badly than very good. If things go wrong you are in good company.
Hideous Hog: I am so good I only need a partner who can tell one suit from another.
Hideous Hog: Your bidding and card play are not on the same high level as the rest of your game.
Hideous Hog: I know no one whom I would rather see in charge of the dummy.
Hideous Hog: I will bid natural and you bid “Big Minor”. When you have a NT opening, you call 1C and I will bid your NT. If you have a major, bid 1D and I will bid your major. This way you will not get the stress of being declarer.
Papa: I am the better side and we know it.
Hideous Hog: My partner plus 12 sure tricks equals 11.
Hideous Hog: I am such a fine player, no one can deny my right to be rude.
Hideous Hog: It is blatant insubordination. How dare you bid NT and becomes declarer.
Hideous Hog: I do not doubt your luck and I know no one who needs it more than you.
Hideous Hog: Of course I always hold much better cards than you do. Being declarer is part of my system.
Hideous Hog: My point count system? Extra for long suit, extra for short suit and 3 points for my superb play.
Hideous Hog: The opening lead should always run up to the stronger player.